i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
