I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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