It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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