i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
