I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
People in love make me want to vomit
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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