i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
