I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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