Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
