Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
