Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
