i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
