i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I want her autograph on my taint
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
