I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
