there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
