So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
