Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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