doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
