Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
last night I used snow as a chaser
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
