So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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