my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i may or may not be watching the land before time
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
