im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
