what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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