the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Randomize
