I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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