I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
