If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
They are going to name an STD after you.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
