i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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