Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
