I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
