Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
