no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
