i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
