tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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