lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
someone owes me an orgasm
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
