Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
