Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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