I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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