I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Randomize
