I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
