I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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