doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
me + whiskey = a bad person
They are going to name an STD after you.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
