Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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