he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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