the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
