I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
