The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
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