What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
