what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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