I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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