We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
