Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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