you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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